If you were thinking about skipping tomorrow’s parade being held in downtown Seattle in honor of the Seahawks’ Super Bowl win, think again. According to the Seattle Police Department, parade attendance is mandatory. The department has issued a call to all “Certified 12″ fans, via a tongue-in-cheek letter addressed to employers and teachers excusing absences. “Please consider this absence ‘Excused for Greatness,'” police Sgt. Patrick Michaud wrote in the letter.
With every available officer already assigned to parade duty and crowds expected to swell to nearly a million people, Seattle police are jokingly asking fans to step up to the plate on Wednesday. To combat “a critical shortage of decibel levels in the downtown corridor,” fans are “required to assist in rhythmic chanting of ‘SEA-HAWKS!’ to ensure the structural integrity of the city remains sound,” Michaud said.
Uniforms, of course, are required. “They must wear a neon green jersey to ensure low-flying osprey can navigate safely via the sheer brightness of the Action Green,” Michaud added.
For any employer refusing to comply with this “excused absence,” consequences have been outlined in the letter. While no arrests are planned, interference could result in a “15-yard penalty assessed against your company’s next quarterly review,” “an infinite loop of the ‘Safety Dance’ playing over your office speakers,” and “severe side-eye from Blitz the Mascot.” So now you can tell your boss that you need to attend the parade if only for the good of your company.
Police also warned employers and educators about the likely aftermath, noting parade participants “will likely be hoarse and smell faintly of victory” on Thursday. In other words: yell without restraint.
You can view the full letter below:
